I Saw the Tv Glow was not a movie, it was a lesson
No spoilers in plot but some spoilers in vibes
I haven’t practiced being myself enough. It's a weird thing to say but I feel like my thoughts are louder than the voice. I have so many complexities and worries that I seldom express to the ones that are the closest to me. I tell myself that it doesn’t bother me if they don’t know how I really feel because I’ll take any chance to seem more collected. I know it's not fair to either myself or my relationships but making myself heard makes my heart flutter and it feels dumb to stutter on my words.
I recently watched I Saw the TV Glow (2024) for the first time a couple days ago. I say for the ‘first time’ because it is something I know I will be destined to pick back up. It is directed by Jane Schoenbrun. It's about strangeness and queerness. The story follows a teenager named Owen (Justice Smith). Him* and another friend named Maddy, watch a reality-warping, supernatural show late at night when their parents are not around. We see years of Owen’s life pass. As he grows up, the show creates new meaning at every stage of his life.
This movie, in a short sentence, broke me. It fucked me up. So much in a way, I thought I was going to jolt out of my sleep, trying to escape a nightmare about being trapped in the same world. If I could sum up the movie in one word it would be, visceral. There was a moment while watching it where I truly thought to myself: I have never felt so much while watching a film. There were times where I didn’t know whether I wanted to throw up or cry. I sunk into its world; I walked its foggy streets. The road was treacherous but illuminating.
The colors symbolized and tortured me. The sound design pinched my ears and sucked me in. The performances were both odd and captivating. The dialogue, the editing, the lighting, everything made me feel like I was there with Owen.
I don’t know if I should go into detail of what happened in the movie out of fear of spoiling it to any reader (the movie is best I think if you go into it blind). But I will explain to you what it meant for me.
Owen is a confused but aware teen that is a victim of arrested development. From the first moment you meet him, he is shy and frankly unaware of his misery. His character is first portrayed by a child actor (Ian Foreman) and he holds himself in the same way that the adult actor does: timid and shrinking. Smith’s posture and voice makes him seem like his body is detached from his mind. Maddy, played by the stunning Brigette Lundy-Paine, speaks almost like an alien forced to be on Earth (which I’m pretty sure is intentional). The two make an interesting but unfortunate pair.
The story is about gender in the most simplistic terms. But, I don’t think there are words that describe all that make up this movie (i’ll try though). I thought the movie was going to be way more subliminal but it exploded in striking emotion and personality. And it meant so much to me.
I started to go by they/them pronouns in late 2021. This is a choice I still doubt and feel confused over. I live in a small town where gender exploration isn’t that visible. Not everyone in my life uses those pronouns and I have made the decision to make peace with it. Some family or life long relationships haven’t made the transition with me. And it hurts but I tell myself that I am not even sure myself of what my pronouns are and that is true. Gender is so complex and practically made up out of thin air (the non-binary is showing). I know that gender isn’t definite and it changes on the daily. I know that I get to be myself everyday and dress the way I want to with more confidence than I ever have now that I’ve become more in tune with my gender and sexuality. But, hearing Owen screams and breakdowns reminded me of something. Something that I thought I mostly got over, but unfortunately, is still there.
Gender is not something I view as static but sometimes it feels like my fortitude is. I still suck at correcting people because it feels awkward. Sometimes I shave my armpits for myself and sometimes I shave them because I’m scared people will see me in a negative way. It feels dumb, but that pressure to conform is so real. That’s why I Saw the Tv Glow was so impactful. That melancholy that comes with conformity is so real, especially when it severs you from your real identity. You could say that about any intersection of identity and that’s why encourage people to watch this even when they aren’t genderqueer.
This movie was devastating but rewarding. I definitely am gonna say proceed with caution about this. It might bring stuff up for you because a lot of its content is sensitive, but I think it is extremely important to watch. Just watch it on a night where you are in the space for your heart to be obliterated. You might learn something about yourself in the dark night when the Tv glows.